Wow, two posts in one day...It's feast or famine with me I guess.
Note to reader: I'm a little out of it right now. It hasn't been a very easy day today and I've decided to take the easy way out of thinking about everything by numbing myself for a few hours with my favorite buddies 1)The Capt 2) Mr. Daniels and 3) Senior Cuervo. So on with the show.....
It seems that in the past few days I've reverted back to my old ways of dealing with stress and emotional discomfort. It's odd. You think you progress on so many fronts yet when it comes to feeling anything basic you don't want to deal with it at all.
Recent events have kind of forced me into a realization phase about myself. I need to make a connection with someone, anyone..and soon. Left to my own devices I feel like I'll just self destruct. I don't like this thought. I've tried my hardest to push through everything myself for fear of disappointing someone. I don't know who this someone or someones are but I can't let them down. And I really don't have a support group out here I can vent at. Don't trust them that much yet. And as much as Loki tries he can only help so much :)
The worst part is I don't know if this is something that is just being brought on by all the other things in my life that are changing right now. I feel like a lot of what I am feeling is just an urge to hold on to something familiar so that I'm not totally adrift in newness (is that a word? now it is). I don't like feeling like this but I don't know how to even start fixing it right now.
Part of me wants to run away from everything right now. It would be very easy for me to revert back to college me. Have a problem? Have a shot. I've been there and done that. It doesn't help in the long term and I know that. Though I think I'll actually sleep through the night tonight for the first time in about 3 days, so that's something.
I need to lighten up I guess. On the whole my life is fine. Job, family, friends and such are fine. I don't know why I let one part of my life dominate the others.
I just don't want to feel this way anymore. Sigh....
Note to reader: I'm a little out of it right now. It hasn't been a very easy day today and I've decided to take the easy way out of thinking about everything by numbing myself for a few hours with my favorite buddies 1)The Capt 2) Mr. Daniels and 3) Senior Cuervo. So on with the show.....
It seems that in the past few days I've reverted back to my old ways of dealing with stress and emotional discomfort. It's odd. You think you progress on so many fronts yet when it comes to feeling anything basic you don't want to deal with it at all.
Recent events have kind of forced me into a realization phase about myself. I need to make a connection with someone, anyone..and soon. Left to my own devices I feel like I'll just self destruct. I don't like this thought. I've tried my hardest to push through everything myself for fear of disappointing someone. I don't know who this someone or someones are but I can't let them down. And I really don't have a support group out here I can vent at. Don't trust them that much yet. And as much as Loki tries he can only help so much :)
The worst part is I don't know if this is something that is just being brought on by all the other things in my life that are changing right now. I feel like a lot of what I am feeling is just an urge to hold on to something familiar so that I'm not totally adrift in newness (is that a word? now it is). I don't like feeling like this but I don't know how to even start fixing it right now.
Part of me wants to run away from everything right now. It would be very easy for me to revert back to college me. Have a problem? Have a shot. I've been there and done that. It doesn't help in the long term and I know that. Though I think I'll actually sleep through the night tonight for the first time in about 3 days, so that's something.
I need to lighten up I guess. On the whole my life is fine. Job, family, friends and such are fine. I don't know why I let one part of my life dominate the others.
I just don't want to feel this way anymore. Sigh....
posted by Jason at 10:55 PM
2 Comments:
Oh, Jase... There's so much I want to say, but it's probably best not to say it all out here in your comments. I've been where you are, as you know, and your last line- "I just don't want to feel this way anymore."- strikes such a familar chord.
I second Kelly's "Hang in there," but it feels insufficient. I'll call you tonight. Don't forget, a handful of people who love you inconditionally will be seeing you next weekend. :) I think we'll all be in Lancaster for Thanksgiving, too.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, okay?
Hope your plans change and can make it, afterall, Jas.
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